Back on the wagon

It's time.  I have tried to ignore the repeated calling.  I have tried justifying reasons for not sitting my ass down and doing it.  I have tried to tell myself that doing everything else is more important and maybe everything else is more important.  All that I know is that I NEED to start writing again.  I have been touched with so many amazing experiences recently.  Sharing those experiences in words will be extremely cathartic for me.  

The other day my youngest son, Nick, who is 9 years old walked toward me with his hands behind his back.  It had been "one of those days" where my patience had been pushed to the limit.  Being the empath that he is, he knew just what to do.  

Nick says to me, "Mommy, close your eyes, I have a surprise for you."  I was plowing through our shoe laden and backpack/lunchbox/coat strewn mud room at the time and didn't really appreciate the intrusion.  

He says it again, "Mommy I have something for you that you are really going to like!".  

So, I stopped trying to clear a path and heeded his request.  I stood up, closed my eyes, and waited for my surprise.  

"Okay, open your eyes, Mommy."

And as I did, Nick, releases his hands from behind his back and wraps them around me as tight as he possibly could.  With tears streaming down my face I look at his cherub face and see pure joy shining up at me.  

"It's a hug, Mommy.  I knew you would really like it."

This was one of those moments that will always remain etched in my mind.  My little boy knew just what I needed at just the right time.

Nearly 7 years of his young life has been shared between his father and me.  Our divorce and the strained circumstances surrounding it has necessitated a dual residency.  His father and I have been in and out of court continually over the past 7 years trying to reach an amicable custody agreement.  

My children are the oxygen I need to breath and this custody battle is surrendering me breathless.  If you read my Facebook posts today you will notice that I have been quoting Tom Petty lyrics from the song, "Won't back down".  The reason is because I am being challenged once again to modify our current custody agreement.  

Years ago, when I was going through the initial divorce proceedings, a comment was made about me that became my fuel to press on.  The comment was, "She's too meek.  She won't follow through."  Meek?  "I am not meek" became my mantra, and I was able to start a new life for myself and my children.

Today, "You can stand me up at the gates of hell..... and I won't back down."  

A mother's will to protect her children is fierce.  A mother's need for oxygen is essential.  I am a mother.

"And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down.  Gonna stand my ground.  Won't get turned around.  Well, I know what's right, I got just one life.  In a world that keeps on pushin' me around.  And, I won't back down."