There is chronological time and there is the absence of time. There is time that you spend watching the clock, waiting or wanting; and then there are moments where time stands still and becomes a part of you. Chronos and Kairos are Greek words for opposing worlds of time. Chronos, in my opinion, is time at its worst. Clocks, blackberries, deadlines, calendars, planners, and appointments are all products of chronos. Kairos, conversely, is time at its best. Making love, watching my children sleep, observing the colors in the sky as the sun rises and sets, sitting on a beach watching my children play in the ocean, writing this blog outside on a gorgeous, summer morning are all my personal examples of kairos.
Sarah Ban Breathnach writes in Simple Abundance (one of my absolute favorite books) "We exist in Chronos. We long for Kairos. That's our duality. Chronos requires speed so that it won't be wasted. Kairos requires space so that it might be savored. We do in Chronos. In Kairos we're allowed to be."
For weeks 3 words have been swirling in my head. Kairos, cancer, and love. I felt a calling to write about each but didn't know how to connect or seperate them. I decided to pray about this and suddenly found myself crying (God's way of saying "That's It!"). He helped me realize that these 3 words -kairos, cancer, love- were all one in the same. Each one is about time at its best.
You may be thinking, "but cancer"? Time at its best????? Yes. Because the moment you don't know where your life is going.......... is the moment your life's journey begins. If you have been reading my blog, you will notice that I have written on occasion about cancer. Not in the medicinal way, but more as a wake up call.
I have been blessed to know many amazing people in my life. Unfortunately, some of these amazing people have been diagnosed with cancer. In my short, 40 years of life (yes, I admit, I am no longer in my 30's) I have lost 2 friends with melanoma (skin cancer), an Aunt to lung cancer, my grandfather to stomach cancer, and just a few short months ago my mother-in-law to multiple myeloma (bone marrow cancer). I have a good friend and an Aunt who beat breast cancer, another good friend who won over ovarian cancer, an uncle who tackled prostate cancer, and an Aunt who is currently fighting lung cancer. I have prayed and cried and sometimes become quite angry upon hearing the news that someone I love has cancer. It is shocking and it invokes fear and questions.... no matter how many times or how many people I know go through it.
A few short days ago, I learned that my Mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer. I have no words to describe how this feels. I guess, the best word is raw. No matter how many times, no matter how many people, no matter how close the friend or family member, .............. there are NO comparisons to hearing the news that the woman who gave you life, the woman you love, the woman who has loved you unconditionally through thick and thin (and I don't mean waist sizes) has cancer.
Love. It is a living, breathing gift that comes in many shapes, strengths, and sizes. A mother's love is the strongest of all. I had no idea I could love anyone as much as I love my children. It was with this knowledge that I finally understood how much my own Mother loves me.
My husband's love has been a tremendous gift to me. He is my best friend, my soul mate, my beacon of light in the darkest of days. He gives me strength when I am weak and comfort when I am worn. It is the kind of love I dreamed about as a little girl. I believe in love, and I believe in the sanctity of marriage. Someone recently told me that he believed my blog was "a platform to promote divorce". Let me say for the record: Yes, I am divorced. No, I don't recommend it. Divorce is a very personal and difficult decision. No one should ever be judged for being loved. No one should ever be judged for being divorced.
Wes and I just celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary in Annapolis last week. While there, I noticed a boat named Kairos, and it was in that moment that I realized something powerful: my life before Wes was chronos; my life with Wes is all kairos. We have been blessed with a second chance for a lifetime love.
When Wes's Mom, Mary, passed away, I remarked to Wes's Dad, Dick, that the only good thing I can say about cancer is that it gives you time. It gives you time (another chance) to do the things, you may have put off. It gives you time to say the things, you haven't said. It gives you time to appreciate kairos (time spent being and savoring) and acknowledge chronos (time spent mindlessly doing and existing).
Dick and Mary were the perfect example of what love and marriage should look like. I have never seen 2 people more in love and beautiful in all of my life. Dick was to retire in May 2004. Mary was diagnosed in April 2004. She passed away in January 2007. Their dream had been to travel as soon as Dick retired. And, despite her dialysis 3 times a week, they managed to fit in quite a bit of traveling and being and savoring during those 32 months.
Life cannot be defined; it can only be refined. It is a series of evolution. I don't know who I am yet to be. God does. I have to trust Him to keep me on the right path. All that I do know is that I am the potential of myself. I will keep myself open to the hills and valleys that will continue to bless my life. I am not in control. I don't know the master plan. I do own my life and will take responsibility for my choices. I can choose to view life with a clear lens or choose to be it's "victim". The victim mentality is a plague.
I just finished the Wall Street Journal best seller, Fish, by Stephen Lundin. He says "There is something I know about you that you may not even know about yourself. You have within you more resources of energy than ever been tapped, more talent than has ever been exploited, more to give than you have ever given, and more strength than has ever been tested."
We are each products of life's experiences: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Kairos, cancer, and love. The strongest power in life is to experience emotion. By experiencing emotion, your connection to life (to God) are the moments that create expansion and allow you to grow. These pivotal moments in life can make or break you. Don't let them break you. Let them help to refine you.
