We Are!

A few days ago I stopped to take a photo of a beautiful sunflower growing in the midst of weeds and dirt. One stunning flower. Standing tall. Being extraordinary in the midst of the ordinary.

It made me think of something my youngest son said recently after traveling to Altoona for his football game.  He said "Why is every town outside of State College crap? I mean look at this place (Altoona). Who would want to live here? State College is the best place on earth!"

I tried to be unbiased when I answered his question. I mentioned that every town has good and bad qualities for example Altoona does have a nice shopping mall, but I had to agree with him. We do live in a pretty, sweet place.

Yesterday I was fortunate to attend a home PSU football game with one of my favorite families in the world. I live close enough to the stadium that I can comfortably ride my bike to and from home games. So I loaded up my backpack with snacks and goodies and took off for their tailgate.

Along the way I saw people celebrating and smiling and wearing their blue and white. It made me smile and think about everything this town has gone through in the past three years. 

It has not been easy.

Yet, despite all of the changes, we remain resilient. Just like that sunflower.

When I say "we" I don't just mean the people in this town. I am referring to every single person who makes the trek to Happy Valley and supports this university. These are passionate, beautiful, civil people.

After riding my bike across the IST bridge I continued along Pollock Road and noticed the car in front of me had a Texas license plate. I got a little teary eyed when I saw JOE 409 was its license plate number. 

I arrived at my friends' tailgate just in time to watch the Blue Band march to the stadium. As the band got closer and closer you could feel the energy and the anticipation. It was palpable. I looked across the street and noticed a man comforting his wife as she tried not to cry. I could see her lips shaking as she gently blotted away tears. Maybe they were Blue Band parents or maybe they were just caught up in the moment; regardless, I found myself trying not to cry too. The band was not able to play at the now defunct TailGreat, but for the first time ever, they were playing and dancing proudly all the way into the stadium.

The flurry of emotions did not end there: 

- There was a video that played at the start of the game that showed clips of Joe Paterno. The entire stadium erupted with cheers (and tears). 

- The playing of the national anthem and the students singing their alma mater arm-in-arm filled me with pride.

- The drum major running onto the field and sticking his back flip. Awesome!

- A cheerleader bringing a rose to her parents.

- The big guy in front of us who stood up and gave us a high five every time there was a good play.

After the game ended, I hugged my friends, and headed home. As I pedaled along I thought about the reasons that make our hometown so special. I decided it has nothing to do with shopping malls or stadiums. It has to do with the people. It has to do with the feelings and the emotions. It has to do with the camaraderie of overcoming undeserved, unwarranted obstacles. 

Jay Paterno wrote in "Paterno Legacy" about asking his father why after every game he had the team recite the Lord's prayer. Joe told him "The words, Jay, the words:" "Our Father" "give us this day our daily bread" "forgive us.. as we forgive" "we" "us" every pronoun is plural. There is no "I" or "me."

I believe that is why this town, this university, this special place called "Happy Valley" is unique. We celebrate and commiserate not individually but as an extraordinary collective. 

"We are!!!" and always will be. 

Us

"I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you"

Wes and I married other people in the same month of the same year. We were married for nine years to those other people before separating in the same month of the same year. One year later, the first week I had ever spent without my children, we re-met directly above the center of the earth (Zeno's). He was the skinny, nerdy farm boy that helped me pass physics in high school. I was the one who sat behind him in homeroom every morning asking about his weekends and telling him to get out there and find fun with a wild woman.

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you"

One of my favorite quotes from The Perks of Being a Wallflower is "We accept the love we think we deserve." As we were leaving Zeno's my friend suggested that I should ask that cute guy with the glasses out on a date. I answered incredulously "Who? Wesley Hackenberger from high school? No way." And she answered, "Why? Because he is a nice guy? Because he would treat you well?" My marriage ended very badly and shattered my self-esteem. I truly did not think I deserved much.

"I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true."

Well, the next day Wes called me at work and asked me out to dinner. I tried to find a reason not to go, but a free meal to a struggling single Mom was reason enough. We had a nice time and joked about drinking wine all over the world. I was not looking for love. My heart still hurt and I had three young children to raise. No time for dating. No time for fun.

"Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you."

Luckily for me, Wes is extremely patient. He could see what I could not imagine. Us. He wrote poignant, beautiful, hilarious letters to me every day and slowly my heart began to open. We started to spend more and more time together. And then it happened. He kissed me. I looked into his eyes and started to cry. There it was... us. Our future. Our love. It had been there all along. I was just too afraid/stubborn/unwilling to accept it.

That was eleven years ago. Today we are celebrating our ninth anniversary.  My children and I have been blessed beyond measure to have Wes join our team. Wes and I have been enjoying traveling, having fun, and drinking wine all over the world.  He will smile and tell you that he found his wild woman. I will beam and smile and tell you I finally found true love.

*Lyrics by Rascal Flatts "The Broken Road" sung by our pastor Joel Blunk on our wedding day.

Grace

If you see me at the market sobbing over a box of raspberries, please excuse me.  Randomly crying is my new thing.  It is unpleasant and unexpected and I apologize in advance if I cry on you. 

We wear a seatbelt because it is supposed to keep us safe, but do we ever expect to be in a vehicle accident?  We know our children are going to leave the nest, but do we expect the nest to feel so vacant when they are gone?  A friend is diagnosed with ovarian cancer, the diagnosis is not good, but do we really expect her to die?

Expectations and reality do not always coincide.

I have known Wendy since our sons were infants.  We met at a playgroup.  I was wearing stretch pants and a ponytail.  She looked like she just walked off the runway. That never changed. No matter what, Wendy was always strikingly gorgeous.  Hair.  No hair.  Wig.  Pregnant. Her beautiful, blue eyes and her brilliant smile would take your breath away. 

Meeting her was by chance.  Getting to know her was a gift.  If you were fortunate enough to know her and receive that gift, you would have quickly realized that Wendy’s outer beauty was only magnified by her generous and loving heart, her strength and determination, her wit and intelligence, and her grace.

A few days ago, I was able to tell her that her photo should be next to the word grace in the dictionary.  She smiled and replied  “That’s sweet.”

I cannot wrap my brain around the cruel fact that she is gone.  When Marty told me Sunday morning that he feared it would be her last, I did not believe him.  Even when he told me exactly two hours later that she had passed away, I did not and still do not want to accept it.  I truly believed and expected Wendy to beat the odds. 

My emotions range from being really angry to being really sad. I find myself crying at the weirdest things.  Like raspberries.  She always loved them.  One time I complained about raspberries being expensive.  She said with her trademark smile “That’s because they are so good!”

I have also cried every time I see her house and that happens to be every single time I leave my home.  Hearing any song by Prince will force me to pull the car off the road and sob all over my steering wheel.  Every time I see a gray Pilot I look for her to be driving it.  Vegetable soup from the Waffle Shop is our favorite.  Not sure when I will be able to eat it again.  We messaged each other emoticons constantly.  The red crab with the pinchers that continually pinch we used to symbolize beating cancer.  Fuck that crab. 

Grieving sucks!

There is a quote from John Greene’s book A Fault in Our Stars “What a slut time is.  She screws everyone.”  I completely agree.

Even though my heart hurts, and my steering wheel is covered in snot, I am buoyed by her spirit.  Her strength continues to give me strength. 

Her words continue to be inspiring and comforting. The following is from her Christmas letter written only a few months ago:

“Even in the depths of the mental and physical pain I currently feel, I know that my life has been blessed in ways that many people never get to experience, or never take the time to acknowledge, in their lives.

My disease brings me to the threshold of life and death every day.  Every day I remind myself to be grateful that I have been given one more day… no matter how much pain I am feeling both mentally and physically.  Life can be so short and fleeting… my goal is live each day graciously and gratefully.”

It all seems surreal.  I miss her more than I can put into words. 

The last thing I got to tell her via text was “I love you”.   And even though she was extremely weak and barely conscious she responded with four hearts and a kissy face emoticon.  That, I expected.